Hey there A~
I am very appreciative to your comments and I feel you provided these with brutal truth and honesty and that is all I can ask of you...I do feel differently with some of your comments and I have provide those below..
So I vented yesterday about my little girl and it really had nothing to do with the label or with her having a disability. What I was trying to convey was that I was disappointed in my decisions that I had made over the years and I am to blame for partly in the way she has turned out.
I will admit I have probably neglected Nadia with the proper things that she may have needed and that was stability and structure, for god sakes I breastfed that child for almost 18 months.... I loved giving birth and the connection that it brought. I never in my life said to myself that I didn't want to be a parent, nor was that the reason why I left my child behind during the times I moved. I agree with my step mom on a few points about Bernard.
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I think it bothers you more than Nadia that Bernard was never interested in being a part of Nadia’s life. Children are resilient and stronger than we give them credit. As the saying goes, “you can’t miss something you’ve never had” and Nadia has never had a father. Bernard was a poor selection and I’m sure you knew then he had several other children but you probably thought you could change him and that he would be different with you.
~
I didn't know he had the other son. I knew of his daughter from his marriage. I found out when I got to court about the other child. Your probably right, I am more mad than Nadia but why can't I be mad, when I have done so much to keep that imaginary relationship open. I got her a cell phone so he could call her, because the man won't call mine. I think in Nadia's world that her dad is they way a dad should be and it's not.
Nadia was not planned nor did I ever have her just to fill some void from some other underlying issues. I remember going back and forth with myself about abortion. That was the reason my relationship with Bernard went sour. He got mad that I changed my mind and ended up basically splitting on me. I new I was not mature enough to raise Nadia, but I remember having a conversation with my father in his house in Austin about being pregnant and I remember him saying to me, Nagita, your mistake should not be used to end the life of the innocent. Now he also stated that he was not going to be supporting me. I felt at the time, me having a job and the means that I could properly care for her, also not taking into perspective that I might not be mature enough to raise her on all levels.
Your right A, I need to step-up and make some adult changes and put Nadia first. I do beat myself up all the time and your statement
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Nagita, we all make mistakes but if we consistently remind ourselves of our fuck ups we’d ALL commit suicide. Stop beating yourself up about the past and change the present!
~
I am going to put the balls in motion to do exactly that change the PRESENT!
I may be running from something, but I don't know what it is. My child should not have to pay the price for my poor decisions. Everyone that knows Nadia knows that she is well-behaved, respectful and a my biggest pride and joy.
Now to comment on T's statements: What I plan to take from this is that you need much more from me than a buddy to hang out and have a good time with... you need a true friend that will be there for you through thick and thin.. and someone who will be completely honest with you. I am prepared to do that. I think your worth it! T~ I am glad to have you there as my friend!
Ciao,
Mixitalian
p.s. Thank you for reading and for providing honest and compassionate responses.
~
I think it bothers you more than Nadia that Bernard was never interested in being a part of Nadia’s life. Children are resilient and stronger than we give them credit. As the saying goes, “you can’t miss something you’ve never had” and Nadia has never had a father. Bernard was a poor selection and I’m sure you knew then he had several other children but you probably thought you could change him and that he would be different with you.
~
I didn't know he had the other son. I knew of his daughter from his marriage. I found out when I got to court about the other child. Your probably right, I am more mad than Nadia but why can't I be mad, when I have done so much to keep that imaginary relationship open. I got her a cell phone so he could call her, because the man won't call mine. I think in Nadia's world that her dad is they way a dad should be and it's not.
Nadia was not planned nor did I ever have her just to fill some void from some other underlying issues. I remember going back and forth with myself about abortion. That was the reason my relationship with Bernard went sour. He got mad that I changed my mind and ended up basically splitting on me. I new I was not mature enough to raise Nadia, but I remember having a conversation with my father in his house in Austin about being pregnant and I remember him saying to me, Nagita, your mistake should not be used to end the life of the innocent. Now he also stated that he was not going to be supporting me. I felt at the time, me having a job and the means that I could properly care for her, also not taking into perspective that I might not be mature enough to raise her on all levels.
Your right A, I need to step-up and make some adult changes and put Nadia first. I do beat myself up all the time and your statement
~
Nagita, we all make mistakes but if we consistently remind ourselves of our fuck ups we’d ALL commit suicide. Stop beating yourself up about the past and change the present!
~
I am going to put the balls in motion to do exactly that change the PRESENT!
I may be running from something, but I don't know what it is. My child should not have to pay the price for my poor decisions. Everyone that knows Nadia knows that she is well-behaved, respectful and a my biggest pride and joy.
Now to comment on T's statements: What I plan to take from this is that you need much more from me than a buddy to hang out and have a good time with... you need a true friend that will be there for you through thick and thin.. and someone who will be completely honest with you. I am prepared to do that. I think your worth it! T~ I am glad to have you there as my friend!
Ciao,
Mixitalian
p.s. Thank you for reading and for providing honest and compassionate responses.
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